I can't call this a review for "Vampire Diaries" (UK ITV2). A review is a balanced opinion, and I  hate this so much, I don't even know where to start ranting ...

I like vampires. I've written a book on vampires. Heck, I've even been asked on a TV show as a "vampire expert" cause I got an entry in wikipedia for "energy vampires".

So OF COURSE I was looking forward to seeing the show heavily advertised "The Vampire Diaries".

Subtitle - "Love Sucks."

Oh GOD!

God ALMIGHTY.

Honestly.

If I have to see ONE MORE vampire show featuring a vampire who "wants to be human again and doesn't like to drink blood" I am GOING TO THROW UP.

"Forever Knight" did this waaay back in 1989, and it did it so much better, SOOOOO much better, words fail me.

Angel did the same thing, and did it so much better.

The stylish and cool True Blood is doing the same thing but at least they made an effort with it, tried to give the idea of the re-humanizing vampire a bit of a twist and some modern interest.

Man, even the rather strange "Being Human" is doing is so much better.

Even the "weird girl meets alien and writes about it in her diary" has been done so much better in Roswell (1999) - SO much better ...

Come on.

"Oh it's 2009. I think I'm going to write this amazing story about a vampire who goes back to high school as his loved one reincarnates over and over in the same town - hey we'll call it Mystic Falls ..."

Alright, alright.

Turns out the original books were written in 1991 - two years AFTER Forever Knight came out on TV, that would be - and I'm sure back then it was ok, kinda cool even.

But HELLO!

Has anyone noticed this little vampire series called Buffy The Vampire Slayer?

It's been done!

My God, has it been done!

I watched the first show and was really annoyed.

Annoyed with the pointless guy who plays the good vampire.

Annoyed with the pointless gal who plays his never ending romance.

Annoyed with the ROLE of the bad vampire brother - how LAME is that in comparison to Forever Knight's Lucien La Croix as the one who wants to show the veggie vamp the errors of his ways?

Thoroughly annoyed with the writing, with every little thing about this nonsense.

But I thought, perhaps I'm too hasty.

Perhaps it'll get better.

Perhaps it'll redeem itself.

Right ...

In the second episode I nearly had A FIT when they DARED to TOTALLY, and I mean TOTALLY rip off the "historical dates scene" from Damien 2, 1978 - and of course, did it TERRIBLY BADLY in comparison with the original.

Is that even allowed?!

Surely that is just out and outright PLAGIARISM of the WORST order?

I'm angry, I am appalled, I am DISGUSTED.

I cannot believe that Vampire Diaries was ever even made, that it was written, that anyone would have funded it, that it was ALLOWED TO HAPPEN.

Vampire Diaries is truly disgusting in its lack of originality, and in the way it steals concepts from really good stuff and MAKES IT BAD.

Vampire Diaries is an example of the worst US TV has to offer and I won't ever watch another episode of what I can only sum up as disgusting CRAP and a total waste of time.

Vampire Diaries - IT SUCKS!

Score:  -100 out of a possible 100 dragonpoints.

PS: I was going to make a hyperlink to plug my own vampire book, Vampire Solstice, from 2006.

So I looked for the sales page on my web site and this is what it says over the top:

Vampire Solstice

Love Forever.

So ...

You have been transformed into a vampire.

You’re incredibly beautiful.

Eternally young and immortal.

You have become a being of magic.

You are precious, and beloved.

Nothing can hurt you.

And you can fly!

Now, what are you going to do?

Sit in a dark, dank sewer, suck on rats and bemoan the passing of your humanity ..?

I DON’T THINK SO!

In The Vampire Universe,

It's Time For A Change …

LOL. Truer words have never been spoken, past aspect!